I highly doubt the one thing moviegoers have been clamoring for over the last few years is a scene with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan making a sex tape. The thought alone is on par with seeing Paris Hilton reciting the "Tomorrow, And Tomorrow, And Tomorrow" soliloquy from Shakespeare's Macbeth. The thought alone is grating to the eyes, ears, and human imagination. Yet, that's precisely what the filmmakers of the latest 'Scary Movie' entry seem to think passes as funny nowadays, forcing viewers to bleed at the eye sockets for several minutes with Sheen and Lohan before finally arriving at the gag — which is an utterly stupid reference to the 'Paranormal Activity' movies.
I must admit, however, to cracking a very light smirk when the two tabloid celebrities crack jokes about themselves and their very public exploits of misconduct. The walls and ceiling of Sheen's bedroom are cluttered with all sorts of cameras and perverted home videos, and Lohan is apparently too dumb to think anything unseemly of the situation. Before they can even get down to business, the pair must remove a bevy of electronic sensors, which made me crack a very light smirk, but that quickly turned upside down when watching the two leathery, weather-beaten has-beens performing a variety of imbecilic, juvenile antics to the tune of Boots Randolph's "Yakety Sax" (a.k.a., "The Benny Hill Theme").
Regrettably, this fourth sequel in the franchise, stylized in posters as 'Scary MoVie,' doesn’t get any better than those opening moments or even attempt to deliver genuine laughs. Running the gamut of pop-culture references, from Tyler Perry's Medea to the surprisingly recent 'Evil Dead (2013),' the jokes consist mainly of gross-out gags and nonsensical jabs of movies light-years more entertaining. Heather Locklear makes a brief appearance as a ballet dancer who gives birth in the middle of a live performance, and Molly Shannon is a booze-guzzling, chain-smoking, and badly-aging ballerina who writes insults on bathroom mirrors. Other cameos include Bow Wow with a group of religious fanatics in a creepy cabin in the woods, Usher as a dancing janitor, Terry Crews complaining about apes flinging poop on the wall, and Jerry O'Connell revealing his fifty shades of poor judgment as he's punched out by Mike Tyson.
Proving there is no life, or much of a career, for that matter, after the 'Sweet Life,' Ashley Tisdale stars as a dunce trapped in a plot scarily similar to the nowhere-remotely-creepy but definitely yawn-inducing 'Mama.' When she's made to remove the stupid-looking black wig and tattoos, the movie earned another minor smirk. Maybe it was a smile since they were my sentiments exactly toward Jessica Chastain. Anyhow, Tisdale is married to the even dumber Simon Rex, who attempts to provide some physical slapstick hijinks but only succeeds at testing our patience. In fact, I'm not really sure what purpose he serves in the entire plot. The same goes for the three children who are physically abused throughout. One day, they may feel emotionally and psychological scarred knowing they had anything to do with this lame mess.
Writers David Zucker and Pat Proft pile on the vulgarity with immature jokes about walking in on someone while on the toilet, unflattering two-piece bathing suits, and discovering the forbidden romance with a pool vacuum — all of which are at the expense of the family's housekeeper Maria (Lidia Porto). Director Malcolm D. Lee does what he can to polish this turd, and with the help of cinematographer Steven Douglas Smith and editor Sam Seig, he does so to a very small degree. 'Scary Movie 5' may be god-awful, but at least it looks good wallowing in its own filth, earning it some mild measure of appraisal. And still, for a comedy clocking in at a brisk 86 minutes, it's overlong and a complete waste of time.
The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats
The Weinstein Company and Anchor Bay Entertainment bring 'Scary Movie 5: Unrated' to Blu-ray as a two-disc combo pack with an UltraViolet Digital Copy. A DVD-9 copy sits opposite a Region A locked, BD25 disc inside a blue, eco-elite case. After a few skippable trailers, viewers are greeted by a menu screen with full-motion clips and music.
Polish a turd long enough, and you just might make it pretty enough to look at and enjoy for 80 minutes. Such is the result of this fourth sequel in the 'Scary Movie' franchise, debuting with a shockingly good 1080p/AVC MPEG-4 encode.
Shot on HD digital cameras, the cinematography changes to imitate a similar look of the movie's parodied, but the picture quality is fairly consistent throughout, with crisp, stable contrast and clean, bright whites. A few moments can seem a bit hotter than normal, but it's due to the photography, not a fault in the encode. Brightness levels tend to falter in a few sequences, but for the most part, blacks appear accurate and deep with excellent shadow delineation. Colors are bright and nicely saturated with reds and greens looking particularly vibrant. The 1.78:1 frame shows sharp detailing in the interior of the house, and close-ups are generally revealing. Altogether, it's an excellent transfer for a crappy movie.
The DTS-HD Master Audio soundtrack is not too far behind with a lively and energetic imaging. All sorts of sounds and noises move fluidly across the soundstage with flawless clarity, adding the comedy's attempt at cheap scares and gross-out humor. The design exhibits exceptional range between the mids and highs, delivering the subtlest squeak and the loudest bang with superb precision. The low-end is highly-responsive and deeply powerful, providing the various hip-hop sounds with room-filling bass and the action sequences with a bit of oomph. Dialogue remains clean and intelligible from beginning to end, and a few discrete effects spread into the rears to create some decent but satisfying ambience. In the end, the lossless mix is a winner in a room full of losers.
Ugh! Not another 'Scary Movie' movie. When will it finally end? This is by far the worst, dumbest, and least funny of the lot. After sitting through this insult to intelligence and all of comedy in general, I am now working diligently to erase all memory of Ashley Tisdale's current mediocre popularity. The Blu-ray, on the other hand, arrives with excellent audio and very strong video. Rent this at your own risk!