Division III: Football's Finest

Boy, my 2012 movie viewing is off to a rocky start. The very first movie of the New Year that I took in was 'Scorpion King 3.' The second movie: 'Division III: Football's Finest' starring Andy Dick. In other words I'm batting 0-2 with movies in 2012 and it's kind of bumming me out.

I contemplated writing the shortest review possible for this movie. It was going to be one sentence telling you all you need to know about it: "Andy Dick is in this." You don't need to know anything else about it. You know right away that you should avoid this movie like a pile of radioactive waste. There aren't any studies to confirm this, but I wouldn't be surprised if multiple viewings of this movie could cause brain cancer. At the very least, it will lower your IQ a few dozen points.

So, you're still with me? I can't understand why. There's no real reason you should be reading a review about a bottom-of-the-barrel DTV movie starring one of the most reprehensible actors in recent memory. Chalk it up to morbid curiosity I guess.

In that case, here's the movie in a nutshell. Dick plays an offensive, mind-numbingly idiotic football coach named Rick Vice. He's coaching a Division III football team named The Blue Cocks (hardy har har). He swears, growls, scowls, hits players with clipboards, and runs around naked for no discernible reason other than he's Andy Dick. It's a gross-out comedy (I only use this word because technically that's what genre it is, also there isn't a genre called "Utter Sh!t") complete with hanging testicles resting on someone's face while they're lifting weights. Yes, high-brow comedy if there ever was.

Vice has been tasked with bringing a ragamuffin team of nothings up to a winning season or the school will entirely cut funding for the football team. That doesn't matter though, because this movie is simply and excuse for Andy Dick to act like (himself?) a moronic, self-centered, jackhole.

There's nothing funny about this movie. It's as reprehensible as 'Wild Cherry' was last year. It's a waste of 98 minutes. Good God! I actually wasted 98 minutes watching this whole movie and can't remember one semi-funny joke. Or if it even contained jokes, or characters, or anything that was worth looking at.

I've come to a point where there's no use wasting my time writing more about this movie. It's an ugly, unfunny version of 'The Replacements.' Again, it's Andy Dick. Why would you want to subject yourself to that anyway?

The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats

This is an Image Entertainment release. It comes in a standard Blu-ray keepcase. The movie is pressed on a 25GB Blu-ray Disc. It's coded for Region A use.

Between trying to stay awake and snoring I was able to take a gander at the video presentation on this disc. It's everything you'd expect from a low-budget comedy. Flat contrast, crushing shadows, minimal fine detail and a un-cinematic digital look. Banding and aliasing are both present, although they aren't overly distracting. Colors are bland and lifeless. Shadows aren't ever well delineated. They gobble up characters and surrounding objects. While it may be a passable video transfer, there's nothing here that's overly exciting.

The DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 presentation is just as lackluster, even more so. Its football scenes are wimpy featuring little, to no surround sound. Sound effects are brash and don't seem to mesh with the rest of the mix. Football hits are loud, but lack any sort of balance compared to the rest of the movie. For once I think I would've given a movie a better score had I not been able to hear the dialogue. Sadly, that's about the only thing this mix gets right. Every nonsensical, moronic line of dialogue is heard loud and clear.

• Audio Commentary – You think I'm going to endure this movie again just to hear Andy Dick and co-writer Marshall Cook talk about it? I'm only here to report that there's a commentary, but by no means am I going to admit that I listened to it. Sorry, watching this movie just made me a little angry is all.


• Outtakes (HD, 9 min.) – More Dick hamming it up for the camera.


• Gag Reel (HD, 2 min.) – Considering the whole movie is a gag reel, what's another two minutes huh? Actors laughing and messing up lines.


• Deleted Scenes (HD, 18 min.) – As if you couldn't get enough of this movie they actually have more scenes for you here. If you can picture what actually made it into the movie, then imagine what the deleted scenes are like.

'Division III: Football's Finest' is every bit as detestable as you might imagine. It's a movie that may have you rethinking this whole movie watching thing in the first place. Just avoid it. If you see it on the shelf at your local retailer turn and run. Don't look back. Never look back.