I know you were expecting great things, but I'm sorry to say, 'Nude Nuns with Big Guns' is not good. I know this may come as a shock to most of you, but I'm sorry, this isn't the nude nun exploitation flick you were hoping for.
Director/co-writer Joseph Guzman has watched far too many Quentin Tarantino movies for his own good. He's most likely watched them over and over, trying his hardest to emulate what makes most of Tarantino's movies special. Only somewhere along the line Guzman thought he could pull off a low-budget Tarantino-esque grindhouse flick. He didn't get past the opening credits before everything fell apart.
Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) is a nun, who coincidentally is nude quite often in the movie. Hence the title. She was once a part of a drug ring run by her priest, but after a near death experience she insists that she's been called upon by God to kill all those who sin. Armed with a couple six-shooters (which don't seem all that "big" to me) she sets about destroying the group of drug dealers that once tried to kill her.
It's all just so silly, but I know you probably weren't expecting much more from a movie with a title like 'Nude Nuns with Big Guns.' The sad thing is that even with its two title aspects "nude nuns" and "big guns" the movie still fails. The gunplay here is less than impressive, even on a miniscule budget. In order to emphasize every shot each kill shot is a head shot. No exceptions. After the tenth headshot spurts CG blood it's difficult not to simply fall asleep. So, the big guns part of the title is bogus, what about the nude nuns part?
Well, that isn't so great either. If you were hoping to watch this movie just because you knew there would be copious amounts of nudity you may be disappointed. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of nudity here, but it's bad nudity. I'm reminded of the 'Seinfeld' episode where Jerry has a girlfriend who walks around naked. He soon finds out that there are positions of nakedness which are far more attractive than others. Naked hair brushing: good. Naked coughing: bad. 'Nude Nuns with Big Guns' is full of bad nudity. At one point, I'm assuming just to fill in a scene with naked women; we see a group of stark naked nuns hard at work packing cocaine. Packing cocaine naked: bad.
I know I shouldn't expect much from a movie like this, but I expect it to at least live up to its title, which it doesn't. That's an hour and a half of my life I won't get back. I watched it so you don't have to.
The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats
This is an Image Entertainment release. The movie is coded for Region A use. The 25GB Blu-ray Disc is housed in a standard Blu-ray keepcase.
This is totally what you'd expect from a low-budget film like this. The digital look gives the entire movie a flat, depthless appearance. Many of the colors have been tinkered with and muted to give it a more gritty exploitation movie feel. Fine detail is never striking. Much of the detail is lost in the digital sheen that seems to cover up just about everything worthwhile. Blacks are murky. Shadows lack delineation. There's absolutely, positively nothing special about this video presentation. Is it watchable? Yes. There's no huge glaring technical flaws, but like the movie it simply disappoints all the way around.
The DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 mix has to be one of the worst mixes I've ever heard. Dialogue is mixed much too low. So low in fact that it doesn't matter how loud you turn up the sound, the dialogue still gets muffled by anything else going on in the scene. It's almost as if they didn't have any microphones on set so the actors are just speaking their lines hoping that the camera mic picks up their voices. LFE is non-existent. Gunshot effects are laughable. Like someone is looping in the sound of a cap gun going off, no matter what the gun that's being used is. There's no excuse for an audio mix like this even if the movie is low budget. You should still be able to hear what the characters are saying. It's damn near impossible here.
I'm sorry but 'Nude Nuns with Big Guns' isn't the revelatory grindhouse exploitation flick we were all hoping for. Oh, you weren't hoping for that? What's that? You never knew this movie existed until now? Well, let's keep it that way then. There's nothing to see here. In a movie where even the nudity is bad, you know you've got problems.