Dinocroc vs. Supergator

I think now is the time for a serious talk about growth hormones. See, if you're in a creature feature (and you'll know based off the odd effects, stilted dialogue, D-level celebrities slumming around, or the weird presence of Roger Corman), you really don't want to be giving creatures any kind of chemical or treatment that leads to them getting bigger. By now, any character who isn't a completely oblivious dick knows exactly what's going to happen. First, the creature's head is going to get really big, then it's going to hit a lot of home runs...and then eat people, lots of people. When will we learn? Why is it that the home run record has to be asterisked: due to the fact that most of the audience for the later games were devoured whole by some gigantic monster, or the fact that said monster failed a few drug tests and couldn't quite fit into its uniform anymore?

With 'Dinocroc vs Who-Gives-A-Fuck-asaurus (sorry, I meant to say Supergator), the more important question on my mind is: will I finally learn the difference between alligators and crocodiles? Now, readers, the most important question on your minds should be: does this one make good with the blood and the nudity, or is it just a lame tease?

A Hawaiian lab that has been genetically engineering larger food has gone too far. They've gone from tampering with mushrooms to tampering with living creatures, specifically a crocodile and an alligator. Naturally, the creatures escape, one after the other, and soon the island of Kauai becomes a war zone. Lowly Sheriffs, duplicitous engineers, a cajun bounty hunter, and a woman working behind the scenes, cleaning up the messes of the man responsible for the experimentation now must not only find a way to survive, but to also end the threat before it takes any more innocent, bikini-clad lives.

Look, I'm a fan of creature features, both the smart, funny, or insanely stupid. I'm not some stick in the mud who wants to trash 'Dinocroc vs Supergator' for its apparent lack of funds (oh boy is it apparent!), or the stilted acting, expecting some Academy Award nominated effort from anyone involved. The thing is, I do demand a little bit of entertainment for the time I invest in these films. Sometimes it comes from the completely insane scenarios, the silly kills, or even the freakish nature of the beastie itself. Sadly, this film doesn't have an ounce of originality to it, fitting the exact formula of every other damned one of these films we've seen in the last few years. It's like watching the same film, over and over, only the setting changes from one tropical area to another, where a new set of down on their luck actors show up, and it takes us about thirty to forty minutes to figure out who is going to survive...or, in this case, who the main characters of the damn story even are.

This Roger Corman produced monster movie is absolutely horrible, start to finish. It doesn't waste time in the opening scenes, as the very first line of dialogue concerns the fact that a creature has escaped the facility, and we see one of our two baddies start chomping the shit out of scientists as they try aimlessly to flee the beast they created. Then, out of the blue, another creature escapes the same facility. More carnage, more death. This is where the positives of the film end. What happens next involves a series of scenes establishing characters, who, in turn, get eaten. We don't know who to root for, or whose names we have to learn, as this seriously amateurish effort is so poorly thrown together it's better to not even bother.

Of course, these creatures defy logic and science, hiding in areas too shallow to hold them, let alone hide them from their prey. Of course, when fleeing one, a car at max speed is exactly the same speed as one of these creatures, so there's never any drama in the chase. Of course, magazines have a nearly infinite amount of bullets, and even a revolver is seen firing a dozen-plus rounds straight. Items appear in shots that weren't in the previous scene, to add to the confusion, and the proof of the genetic experimentation, the mushrooms, are said to be amazing, two story feats of science...yet they're not even taller than the brush around them. They seriously look like gigantic piles of Supergator shit, not towering mushrooms.

There are so many facepalm moments in this film that it goes past the "hilariously awful" stage that makes many films of this ilk so damn fun. We see characters stare at thermal imagers from the sky, looking for the creatures, and we see an obvious outline of a gator. These characters wonder if it's a human reading or not, despite the fact that there's this really long, probably toothed jaw and a fucking tail. We see David Carradine (yes, that one) show up for a few random scenes, before dying of a heart attack (not induced from autoerotic...you know...). There are shots obviously sped up, and then other moments where speed isn't adjusted, leaving us to laugh at chase scenes filmed at some ten, twenty miles per hour. Bottles of Jack Daniel's have a few letters black taped off, since Jack Dan's (with a huge ass space after the "n") is so much different. Bikini clad "babes" show up sporting pooches (and I don't mean dogs) and assortments of bruises and scars on their legs. And butterfaces, can't forget the butterfaces.

I wanted to turn off this film the moment I caught a scene ripped straight out of 'Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist,' as one of the monsters, I'll assume it was Supergator (they're never really distinguished worth a damn), moves towards its prey, who fires a few rounds in defense, only to have the same footage repeat again, including obvious geographical markers showing it was the same spot being eclipsed. This wasn't meant to be an intentional gag, folks. This was really a part of the film, in a more serious moment. I also wanted to scream at the screen, as, about 80% into the film, the two creatures were never shown on screen at the same time. This was no fight. The main characters devise a brilliant idea (sarcasm) to lure them together to fight, but they never consider, what if these two were a tag team, and joined forces? No, it's just assumed they'll fight, for no reason other than to get the damn film over with.

If you like films where the camera is manned by someone having a seizure, so as to give the appearance of weight in the steps of the monsters, watch 'Dinocroc vs Supergator.' If you don't mind the fact that there's no blood, no nudity, no engaging dialogue or interesting characters, you may be capable of managing this film. Heck, if you want to watch a film where it looks like there's a budding romance between the male leads, rather than the obvious love interests, this may be the film for you, as it gets rather bro-mantic. Get ready to waste a valuable hour and a half of your life. Consider the valuable time you could be spending curling and uncurling your pug's twisty turvy tail, color coordinating your closet, or slamming your head against a wall until you pass out. I promise, all the above activities provide much more stimulation than sitting down and attempting to watch two generic roid raging asshole animals.

The Disc: Vital Stats

'Dinocroc vs Supergator' comes to Blu-ray on a Region A marked BD25 disc. There's about five minutes of pre-menu content for other Roger Corman creature crap.

Presented in 1080p using the AVC MPEG-4 encode, 'Dinocroc vs Supergator' is high def mediocrity (at best), for more than one reason. It's a damn shame, too. Close up shots have amazing skin texture and liveliness, colors are powerful (greens in tall grass are beyond awesome!), and there's plenty of detail on display, most of the time. That's the end of my praise.

Let's take into account the constant shimmering on one of the two monsters and its spines. Then there's the often blown out picture, as if the film is attempting to make the CG elements fit in better (whereas non-CG laden shots have appropriate contrast levels). Then there's the fact that the CG elements still don't fit in, and often seem to be shifting or floating. Ears are sometimes nuclear red, there's minor noise and artifacting in backgrounds, depth is minimal, establishing shots are shaky and juttery, random moments are blurry and nondescript, and there's a grey uniform that's constantly chroma fringing and showing signs of moire. There's rarely a clean moment once the shit starts cascading. Take that as a sign.

The audio doesn't fare much better, with a Dolby TrueHD 5.1 track that's craptacular. Moments in the film that should hit from all angles don't, while rears are only engaged providing awkward, random atmosphere at the worst of times. Dynamics are questionable, with exterior scenes sounding amazingly blunt, while raised voices do nothing but blare. Gunfire has no pop, C4 has no power, explosions are an utter failure. Waterfalls stay in the front speakers, no matter how many different angles the camera points at in a scene. Throw in a porn-like soundtrack that's only missing the grunting and moans (one that doesn't resonate or fit in worth a damn), and you have yourself a a true loser. Like the video. Or the film. Or the extras...

• Audio Commentary - With Roger Corman and Jim Wynorski (aka Jay Andrews). Yeah, what gives with the whole aka crap? Corman discusses making 'Dinocroc' and 'Supergator' standalone SyFy films that "did well" enough to justify a tandem film. Learn about location filming politics, cheating for locations between California and Hawaii, why dude merks don't get free trips to Hawaii (sexism), and how long it was between Carradine's death and his final shots of the film. Heck, learn how many scenes were made in the filmmaker's back yards. Professional! The fact that the participants mention actors who gave up the profession after this job really speaks volumes...
  
• Trailer (HD) - The trailer for the film. Even as a tease it doesn't look all that great. It's like...you know these are supposed to be trailer moment lines, right? Yet, here they are, with some of the worst line readings you'll hear this side of the Kendrick performers.
  

After an hour and a half of 'Supergators' and 'Dinocrocs' and 'MegaDavidCarradines,' I didn't learn a damn thing. I can't tell the difference between any of them. I did learn that it doesn't quite matter, though, when the film is so inept that it's better to know as little as humanly possible. This film blows. This disc isn't any better, with bargain bin presentation qualities and one real extra. Skip it, avoid it, do whatever it takes to not add this one to your library. If buying in bulk and this one comes along, offer the seller a bribe to keep it. You'll thank me.