Whenever I stick in a straight to home video Blu-ray featuring the likes of 50 Cent and an overweight Val Kilmer (yes, this has happened more than once) I instantly feel a feeling of boredom wash over me. In order to keep myself entertained, I decided to keep a live-blog of the movie. What follows are my thoughts, feelings, and snarky comments about what's happening on screen during 'Blood Out.' I know that this was a bit of an unorthodox review, but let's be honest, you weren't planning on buying this piece of junk anyway.
One more thing before we proceed. Spoilers run rampant throughout this entire review. So, if you're just dying to see 'Blood Out' then you may want to stay away from this until you've actually watched it. If you end up surviving that horrific ordeal, feel free to come back here and read my thoughts on the entire travesty.
It's never a good sign when your movie is preceded with a trailer for a movie starring Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Menu: Fancy silencer sound when movie is selected. Extra authenticity.
00:51: You can tell this is going to be a gritty crime drama, because the editing is full of intentionally gritty dirt, grime, and obnoxious flashing lights. It's about to get real!
02:24: This is going to be one of those movies that uses a "swoosh" sound after every half-second edit. Why does a camera movement require a sound effect? This is going to be a long 89 minutes.
03:33: Ridiculous shaky-cam lends the movie that, you know, realism and junk.
04:11: Oh snap! Bullet time just like the 'Matrix', only making about 100 percent less sense than it did in that movie.
04:40: Stupid cops just shot a defenseless little girl. I guess they were so nauseated by the shaky-cam that they couldn't aim straight.
05:33: Captain of police comes in and says, "Tough day, but at least we got the dopers shut down." That girl was just collateral damage. Whoops.
07:19: I'm this far into the movie and I still don't haven't been told the names of what appear to be the main characters.
08:26: Sounds like the dialogue for this movie was recorded in a tin can submerged in water.
09:36: Who are these people? Please tell me their names!
10:00: One of the nameless main characters just said "What it is!" as a greeting.
10:37: "What it is!" guy is going to get a beat down from Vinnie Jones, a girl wearing tight spandex-looking leather, and a bunch of other henchmen. This is apparently because he said "What it is!"
12:23: Gang beatdown! At least I think so, the camera is swinging around wildly so there must be something happening.
13:30: Vinnie Jones just capped the "What it is!" guy and then recited the name of the movie. "Blood in, blood out." I still have no idea what "blood out" is supposed to mean or why it's the title of this movie, but I'm pretty sure he isn't making a vague reference to the 1993 drama starring Benjamin Bratt.
14:24: Still no sign of 50 Cent or pudgy Val Kilmer.
15:05: Woo! The main character's name is Michael. Michael everybody. He's just finding out that his brother, the "What it is!" guy, was killed. He seems less than upset.
16:35: Not that the main actors are good in this, but compared to the extras they've got acting here, they might as well all be Daniel Day-Lewis.
18:37: Phone talking montage. Michael is like, so totally frustrated that he can't find out what happened to his brother.
20:00: Not even kidding. Michael is visiting another police unit. Outside the door is a sign that reads "G-Unit" the name of this tactical taskforce. Yes, this is the first 50 Cent citing. Ego much?
20:18: 50 Cent just recounted a disgusting story that ended with "She swallowed the evidence." Yep. This is getting better by the second.
21:04: Michael is giving 50 Cent the what for. 50 Cent is about to spit some mean ol' raps his way.
21:43: 50 Cent just punched Michael while another detective tasered him. Have I entered the 'Twilight Zone'? What is going on here? Who are these people? What year is it?
22:43: Now these cops led by 50 Cent have cuffed another cop, Michael, to a sink in the bathroom, just for fun. The taxpayer's dollars at work.
23:21: Ultimate stare down! Michael and 50 Cent getting all up in each other's personal space.
24:47: Michael sees some random guy running in the park wearing a hood. He must be up to no good. Wait…..this is a flashback? A dream? Wait….huh? I'm so lost.
26:00: Whew it was all just a dream. A really nonsensical dream, which tried it's best to be some sort of allegory about how Michael turned his brother to crime.
26:21: Michael goes into a tattoo and piercing parlor. I expect to be typing "…and came out with nipple rings," in a few posts.
27:53: Tattoo break. Michael has decided that this movie is much too boring. He's going to get a couple tattoo sleeves done in the meantime.
28:45: Michael is moving into a new apartment run by a drunken cougar. No, not the animal. Yes, it would have been funnier if it were.
29:37: Uh oh. Michael just stumbled into a gang fight with Don King's skinny cousin.
31:08: Generic rap music permeates the soundtrack with a chorus of "Beat'em up beat'em up!" This movie is so self-aware.
32:38: Leather spandex lady is back and looking angry.
33:30: Big Boss Man is plotting in his kinky hideout with subservient woman and hilariously comical henchmen. I love when drug dealers in movies think that they're the next Scarface.
35:13: Wait, what was that? I swear I just saw a cue card. Oh, no nevermind. Everyone in this movie just recites their lines like there are cue cards just off screen.
36:10: More generic rap music "What! Yeah! WHAAAAT! YEAAAAH!"
36:57: Michael just got 50 Cent back and threw his face through a car window. I've never been jealous of anyone in this movie until now. Who doesn't want to put 50 Cent's face through a car window?
38:00: With his new found tattoos Michael has become evil anti-Michael. He's a crime committing nutcase.
38:22: Well, he's not really a criminal; he's just trying to find out who killed his brother even though he didn't really care all that much for his brother in the first place.
40:00: Michael meets Big Boss Man, who says "My guys say you've got some serious banging skills." To which Michael should have replied "That's what she said." Sidenote: This movie would be infinitely better if Steve Carell just showed up out of nowhere.
41:24: Michael's new name he's picked for himself as an undercover criminal is so superb I can't even begin to describe what it means. Ladies and gentlemen meet Mr. Snake. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…
42:34: Random drug and booze-filled montage. This feels more like a music video than a movie. Then again, 50 Cent is starring in it so… "What it is!"
43:42: If this movie had a face I'd punch it.
44:17: When tough white guys are on screen then the soundtrack plays screeching heavy metal. When tough black guys are on screen the soundtrack plays hip-hoppy generic rap music. Could this movie be anymore passive-aggressively bigoted?
45:52: Neck tattoos make a person look simultaneously tough and moronic.
46:27: Snake just gave some money to a bum. See he hasn't turned all bad.
47:06: Snake and Random Henchman #1 are having a heart-to-heart. Criminals have hearts to.
47:49: PUDGY VAL KILMER SIGHTING!!!
48:20: Kilmer looks utterly confused as to why he's in this movie or who those two woman are sitting by his pool.
48:46: And just like that Kilmer is gone. What was that scene about?
49:52: Random Henchman #2 has a bowl cut, two long ponytails, and walks around like a chimpanzee with hemorrhoids.
51:06: I'm sorry, but how can anyone take a Big Boss Man seriously if said Big Boss Man has Big Boss Moobs?
53:55: Snake's leading a brigade of misfits into a drug house. Every single one of them hold their guns sideways. This is how cool this movie is.
54:55: Chick fight with hugely exaggerated punch sounds. If I didn't know better I'd think I was watching a 'Rocky' fight.
55:50: Snake is slithering his way through another less than spectacular fight. The punch sounds are supposed to make it oh-so hardcore.
57:04: Spandex lady carries a whip everywhere, apparently for her equestrian hobby.
58:42: Close your eyes kids. Snake and Spandex Girl are doing gross things.
58:45: Spandex Girl just snuck a DNA swab from Snake's mouth while he was sleeping. I have a feeling that's a huge turn in this movie's so-called plot.
1:02:10: Snake just met his brother's old girlfriend. Then I fell asleep because they were talking to each other. Then I woke up and she was crying. At some point she asked for "blow." I have no idea what is happening.
1:03:17: Big Boss Man is wearing a slenderizing black shirt that hides his moobs. This is essential in order to establish his dominance as the world's worst Scarface impersonator.
1:05:37: Big Boss Man is still talking to Snake about something. I'm sure it's really, really, really important because they're talking in hushed, gruff tones.
1:08:28: So, I'm eying my copy of 'Material Girls' on Blu-ray thinking Hilary Duff would actually brighten up this experience.
1:10:02: Spandex Girl is really an undercover FBI agent. Didn't see that one coming. Ugh.
1:10:32: SECOND PUDGY KILMER SIGHTING!
1:10:44: They need to cut down with the catering on set. Kilmer's looking like he just ate three Random Henchmen.
1:11:44: I'm still not sure who Kilmer's character is supposed to be, but with that hairdo and beer gut I wouldn't be surprised if he all of a sudden started signing country songs.
1:13:08: Who are these people? What are they doing? The soundtrack is getting really deep and bassy so I'm guessing what's happening is important, but these actors keep acting like they're about to be tortured if they don't.
1:14:26: Now we have what appears to be a casting call for the dregs of the acting community. Groups of henchmen and henchwomen have filled a warehouse. Val Kilmer is banging a cane on the ground and just yelled "Hail Mars son of Juno, God of War!" I have no idea what is happening but it's making me giggle.
1:15:48: This just went from a gangster movie to a weird gladiator fight club movie in about two seconds flat. Who wrote this? Someone please tell me so I can find that person and leave a flaming bag of poop on their doorstep.
1:17:01: Okay, let me see if I can do this scene justice. Snake is now in the ring with an oversized body builder who, I'm not kidding, just put on a Roman centurion helmet before the fight started. I'm officially confused and perplexed by this movie.
1:17:54: Oversized body builder dude just realized the Roman helmet was a little obtrusive and took it off. Well, duh.
1:20:02: There is roughly ten minutes left in this movie and not one single thing of actual consequence has happened.
1:20:13: Vinnie Jones and Val Kilmer are having a face off. Two characters that have hardly been in this movie and now we're supposed to care about what they're doing. By the way, both of these guys look like they're going to strangle their agents as soon as they walk off the set.
1:20:58: Big Boss Man is flanked by two skanks. One wearing white angel wings, and one wearing black angel wings. You can't make this stuff up people.
1:21:37: Vinnie Jones is now threatening to blow away a pregnant lady saying, "Whaddya think? Two for one?" This movie's got class coming out its ears.
1:22:33: Low-budget car chase! Overemphasized engine noises, and really shaky camera movements to make the cars look like they're moving much faster than they are.
1:23:30: Vinnie Jones just rolled his car, about 10 times. Funny thing is they played the same clip over about three times. Almost like in 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' when Lancelot comes running up over the hill.
1:23:14: Vinnie completely unscathed from rollover car wreck.
1:23:35: Spandex Chick just saved Snake's skin by shooting Vinnie in the back. Then she repeated "blood in, blood out." As if repeating it over and over will make any of us think that its an acceptable title for this movie.
1:25:44: The movie ends with Snake kissing the pregnant girl who also miraculously survived the rollover. Happy endings all around. Now there's some strange, happy, country song playing over the credits. It's almost as if the people in charge of making this movie just started drawing random slips of paper from a bowl on what to do next.
'Blood Out's 1080p transfer is a roller coaster ride. The highs consist of deeply detailed scenes, while the lows are murky beyond belief. The look to 'Blood Out' changes constantly whether the director is going for a detailed handheld look or an all out music video look. Blacks are wildly inconsistent. There's times, like during the latter part of the film where they look rather well done and inky. However, during many of the beginning scenes there are hazy blacks that never appear black at all. Rather they appear grayish, sucking up any sort of delineated detail that could be had. Colors are extremely oversaturated, again all for that music video look. Skintones are coppery. Truthfully, it's just a sloppy looking presentation. It has no consistent flow to it. One minute it looks extremely detailed and the next minute you think you're watching an old VHS tape.
Early on in my live-blog review I wrote this line, "Sounds like the dialogue for this movie was recorded in a tin can submerged in water." This is true. This is some of the worst recorded dialogue I've ever heard on Blu-ray. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the low-budget nature of this movie, but still it's almost impossible to hear what people are saying. Their voices have no oomph. No low-end gravitas. Everyone sounds hollow, like you're listening to a cassette tape. Then the soundtrack with booming bass fights its way in and your ears are assaulted by a haphazardly mixed track. Music takes over the sound design in an ear-piercing way. Again, like you're watching a music video. Similar to the video, this audio is just a mess.
Wow, 'Blood Out' is awful, but hopefully the live-blog served two purposes. 1. It gave you some entertainment from a movie that will never entertain anyone, not even its stars. 2. Gave you a good idea of what a dreadful piece of garbage you so luckily missed out on. Adding insult to injury, the audio and video are both as horrible as the movie itself. Avoid this one like the plague.