Cobra

Just in case the audience doesn't quite appreciate the true evil and villainy of the bad guys shown on screen, the makers of 'Cobra' open the film with a crazed gunman parking his motorcycle in a handicap space. Even after that whole voiceover spiel about the types of violence witnessed every minute of every day, we are shown this man's complete disregard not only for the law, but also his disdain for common civil decency. Now we understand the sort of lowlife scumbag we're dealing with, just as he enters a grocery store and takes the shoppers hostage. And if that weren't enough, the filmmakers even go that extra mile to have the scruffy-looking dude push an older lady from her metal shopping cart while suspiciously walking his way to the back of the store.

In a weird way, the opening actually does a pretty good job at setting expectations for the movie as a whole. 'Cobra' is the sort of over-the-top 80s actioner that's inadvertently funny because of the exaggerated and aggressive sense of masculinity on display. A young, attractive model (Brigitte Nielsen) accidentally witnesses the latest victim fall prey to a serial killer (dubbed the Night Slasher (Brian Thompson)) and a pair of his cronies. So, she of course becomes his next target and requires the protection of the surly walking-testosterone warhead codenamed "Cobra." Sylvester Stallone plays Cobra as an ultra-tough, one-man show whose worst injury is a band-aid over his right eye.

While the movie goes out of its way to overdo the villains' badness and celebrate masculine heroism, it does very little to explain the motivation of its stock characters. They're all living, breathing clichés, walking about in obligatory fashion. Stallone's Cobretti is repeatedly reprimanded and yelled at by his superiors (Art LaFleur and Andrew Robinson) for his neglect of proper protocol. His best friend and cop partner (Reni Santoni) follows him around like a loyal dog, waiting for that roll-your-eyes moment when he takes a bullet for the team. The reason for the creepy skull-and-axe gang even existing is never clearly explained, yet they're heavily armed and have plenty of police informants. And despite all the killing and nameless bodies scattered throughout the city of L.A., the only senseless victim that brought a tear to my eye was seeing that gorgeous 1950 Mercury Coupe in battleship grey be battered and abused in the hands of the reckless Cobra. That's the worst crime of all in this mess of an action flick.

Sylvester Stallone originally conceived the hardened model of police machismo as the main character for 'Beverly Hills Cop.' But when that didn't pan out, he later reworked and evolved his creation into a starring vehicle simply called 'Cobra.' It's a straight and narrow, shoot-'em-up actioner with a plot loosely based on the novel A Running Duck, which is also known as 'Fair Game.' And before you even ask: yes, the terrible movie with Cindy Crawford and William Baldwin is also loosely based on the same novel. I wonder if that 1995 flick technically counts as a remake of this 1986, balls-to-the-wall debacle? In either case, they both have little to do with the original source material, and have more in common with each other as unintentionally chintzy, gaudy action pictures.

Stallone also reunites with the director of 'Rambo: First Blood Part II,' George P. Cosmatos, who does decidedly well in adding some excitement to the silly, excessive action. In fact, it's the action, however middling it really is, which actually makes 'Cobra' bearable and somewhat passable — at least, a little, tiny bit. If only the rest of the movie didn't take itself so serious, particularly around the area that involves a very weak attempt at imparting some kind of moral against violence while also inflicting tons of loud, senseless violence on others, then it could have a chance at being worth remembering. Instead we have this dry, sullen and very stern film, most of it coming from a pair of glowering, sourpuss faces in Stallone and Thompson, which ultimately makes it rather forgettable.

The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats

Warner Home Video brings 'Cobra' to Blu-ray on a Region Free, BD25 disc housed inside a blue eco-case. Popped into the player, it goes directly to a static menu screen with the standard selection.