For all its shortcomings and the blatant, shameless display of lowbrow idiotic humor, 'Vampires Suck' at least, makes some astute observations about contemporary bloodsuckers. They absolutely and totally suck, and it's all thanks to Stephanie Meyer, who singlehandedly destroyed the mythos and their appeal. She completely neutered them of their seductiveness and fascination, of their provocative animalism insinuated by their sensuous bites and insatiable carnal desires. Fangs meant to penetrate the neck and fill their victims with utmost physical pleasure have been replaced with purity rings. Vampires have not only been essentially defanged, but they've actually taken abstinence pledges!
At one point in this parody movie, the brooding and sulking Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) breaks into the bedroom of a doleful and heavy-hearted Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) in the middle of the night. Jumping on top of him and stripping her clothes to reveal scanty, illuminated lingerie, there's no denying that only one thing runs through her mind. But instead of acting the incubus he's supposed to be, this emo-fied creature of darkness prefers to talk about his feelings. According to the movie, Becca does have the option to satisfy her hormonal urges with the foolishly smitten Jacob White (Chris Riggi). Unfortunately, even he prefers to chase after cats over spending more than five minutes with her.
I'd like to think that the last part carries some kind of sexual innuendo, but that would imply some sort intelligence behind the movie.
Of course, these observations are nothing new and the silly sexual repression underlining the entire 'Twilight Saga' has been discussed endlessly while millions of tweens across America rue and bewail at hearing such blasphemy and heresy. Heck, even the master of horror Stephen King has rightfully pointed out the lack of talent and imagination involved with these stories. Pre-pubescent girls everywhere sharpened their pitchforks and lit their torches at this, much like the Team Jacobs and Team Edwards that suddenly appear at the beginning. Basically, this stuff is old news, sentiments shared by many with the first movie adaptation. And so too this latest lampoon turd, which tries to drive a years-old stake through the heart of the 'Twilight' series, ultimately fails at even making a scratch.
Much like every other spoof before it, 'Vampires Suck' is a series of loopy, immature sight gags from the same unfunny people desperately trying to be culturally relevant. But while modern vampires may indeed suck, so does this movie. Coming from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the same miscreant tag team that delivered the asinine hits 'Meet the Spartans' and 'Disaster Movie,' this mindless pastiche combines the first 'Twilight' movies into one lunatic, senseless display of vampire romance. And a shirtless, eight-teated werewolf and his pack of manly canines in Daisy Dukes! I'll admit to having a few chuckles and giggles throughout the 80-minutes of stupidity, but they were few and very far between and never in outright hilarity.
The only positive to this queasy mess (there has to be at least one, right?) is the surprise performance of Jenn Proske in her big-screen debut. She may not look anything like Kristen Stewart, but she sure as heck can act like her. Mimicking all the same twitches and mannerisms within mid-sentence, Proske makes a funny depressed, lovelorn Bella. Then again, when the character's choices are between a sickly-pale, chaste vampire on a Segway who constantly risks her life by simply being around her and a slowly morphing, tail-wagging teen whose animal ferociousness is that of a Chihuahua, acting overly emotional shouldn't be too difficult. Being a single, innocent girl nowadays is the only way to go.
In all seriousness though, 'New Moon' is a surprisingly funnier movie and provides more laugh-out-loud moments than 'Vampires Sucks.' I could have sworn I felt the angry, fiery-red glare of the little girls in that dark theater, wanting to pounce and rip me to shreds with every burst of laughter. As much as I enjoy watching anyone poking fun at the 'Twilight' film series, this latest drek from Friedberg and Seltzer does plenty of poking but with hardly any of the fun.
The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment brings 'Vampires Suck' to Blu-ray as a two-disc Extended Bite Me Edition secured in a blue eco-case. The first disc is a Digital Copy of the movie and the second is a Region A Locked, BD50 sitting on the opposing panel. The Blu-ray also contains the PG-13 theatrical version and an unrated extended cut, which offers two extra minutes of foul language. At startup, viewers are greeted with a Digital Copy promo and a series of skippable trailers for 'Machete,' 'The A-Team,' and 'Wild Target.' Afterwards, we're asked to between the two available versions.
'Vampires Suck' arrives to Blu-ray with a confused 1080p/AVC MPEG-4 encode (1.85:1) that can't decide if it's going to rank as excellent or downright poor. A great deal of the movie looks terrific in high definition, but one nagging artifact plaguing the entire presentation pretty much ruins any chance of enjoying it.
In nearly every scene, the transfer displays several instances of aliasing, which is a real shame because the picture is highly detailed with remarkable resolution. Fine object and textures are often distinct and sharp, particularly in close-ups, while facial complexions are accurate and revealing. But this is immediately undone by obvious jaggies on the most random things, with some of the worst examples during sequences in the forest. Added to this, moiré effects are clearly visible on brick buildings and the rooftops of houses. With so many great-looking scenes for such a bad movie, it's a pity that the video's best aspects are tarnished with horribly observable artifacts.
On a more positive note, the picture shows deep, punchy blacks with good dimensionality and strong shadow delineation. Contrast levels are very lightly muted to fit the subject matter, but nicely balanced to give the image a crisp and cinematic appeal. The photography also comes awash with a thin layer of grain and a warm, amber palette. Colors are richly saturated and bright, especially reds and greens. But despite its better qualities, this lame spoof debuts with a poor transfer, degraded by several moments of visible artifacts.
On the audio side, the DTS-HD Master Audio soundtrack fares much better than the video, but it's still not wholly impressive. It has its moments in the surrounds with very subtle ambient affects, yet they do little to fully immerse or engross the listener. The music, on the other hand, makes good use of the soundfield, spreading across all the channels and filling the room with satisfying presence. There are also a few instances of light pans which are smooth and somewhat persuasive. The front soundstage is where the lossless mix works best with clear, well-prioritized vocals and good imaging. The mid-range is sharply rendered with great clarity and detail while low bass adds a responsive and convincing punch to the action. With a nicely balanced and wide channel separation, 'Vampires Suck' comes with a pretty good high-rez track, but there's nothing memorable or striking about it either.
For this Blu-ray edition of 'Vampires Suck,' Fox has thrown together a poor collection of bonus material that will only entice the few fans out there.
Much like Stephanie Meyer ruined the world of vampire fiction and made it suck, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are ruining the spoof film genre, with each of their movies relying on lame, meaningless sight gags rather than satirizing the conventions of the work they're trying to parody. 'Vampires Suck' is their latest feeble attempt at comedy, of thinking they can make fun of something as popular as the 'Twilight' series but only end up making those silly vampire romances the better movie. The Blu-ray edition arrives with a great-looking video transfer that's troubled by repeated instances of aliasing and jaggies. The audio fares better, though nothing memorable about it either. Bonuses are rather small, and while Fox throws in a few exclusive to sweeten the deal, honestly, this movie is still worth skipping.
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