Killers

I don't know why I volunteered for 'Killers.' It's not sourced from the Ernest Hemingway short story ('The Killers'), therefore isn't a remake of the Academy Award nominated 1946 film. It also isn't a sequel to John Woo's 'The Killer.' Critics drubbed it. It only pulled average numbers at the box office. It stars two actors who are better known for their personal lives (Ashton Kutcher for his marriage to Demi Moore, Katherine Heigl for her random arguments and dismissals of the films and TV shows she's been involved with), in roles that require an invaluable quality found in only the best actors and actresses: Charisma. These two? They ain't got it.

Having sat through 'The Killers,' I can't explain why I was somewhat entertained by it. It wasn't bad like watching a flaming car wreck, but it was far from original or intelligent. In fact, this may have been the most brainless film I've seen in some time.

A getaway vacation in Nice, France. Sounds fun, romantic. Only Jen Kornfeldt (Heigl) is accompanied by her parents (Tom Selleck and Catherine O'Hara). But just because she went stag doesn't mean she won't be with the man of her dreams, as Spencer Aimes (Kutcher), an assassin on a job, falls for Jen after some awkward encounters. Flash forward a few years, with Jen and Spencer having tied the knot, and Spencer having retired from the assassin business. Things seem mundane in typical American suburbia, settled down, peaceful. Then a call to take on another job ends Spencer's peaceful life, as a web of danger quickly ensnares him. Former friends are now out to kill him. And Jen learns the truth of his past. With nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide, the happy couple must come to grips with their past if they plan to have another anniversary.

Films like 'Killers,' it should be noted, deserve to fail, for numerous reasons. Casting Kutcher may be tops on that list, as it's very hard to separate his character from his real life and his past performances (probably because he's about as one note as Michael Cera, with an equally annoying voice). But he's the lead, showing off his chiseled abs shamelessly in an attempt to hook the young female audience. Casting Heigl was an equally poor decision, as her role would have been perfect for an up-and-coming talent, rather than a recognizable face, but apparently having two big leads was a must. Not putting the entire focus on Magnum himself may be the strongest reason to dislike the film, as Selleck provides the only entertainment. The man is a legend, with an amazing voice that falls short only when compared to his most epic of mustaches. He's also got some great body language (even if he isn't in his P.I. short-shorts).

Chemistry is completely missing, as cast members just feel thrown together. This is a testament to the acting capabilities of the leads, as well as the script, which doesn't give them anything to work with. The plot, ugh, the plot. It makes no sense, whatsoever. A bounty is put on Spencer's head, that's great. Literally everyone he thought he knew tries to kill him. This doesn't make sense, at all. Background characters go from goofy to deadly with the push of a button, and the transition doesn't work. Rob Riggle, in particular, is painful to watch, as the Henry character goes from buffoon to murderer literally mid-take. Worst still, Jen suddenly finds out she's married a man who's killed more people than she has fingers, and is completely accepting of the fact from the moment the truth is dropped on her. There's no awkwardness, no fear of a man who's capable of ending human life on command. There's no huge fight over how awful the betrayal is. It's like "hmmm, ok!," and on to the next scene.

Despite all that, I found myself enjoying the film, somewhat. In the moments when I wasn't praying a bullet would hit a main character, I found myself pulled into the inanity of it all, the way that 'Killers' almost functions on an insane level like 'Shoot 'em Up' did before it. Taking the characters (more like caricatures), and relating them to nothing more than extreme exaggerations, borderline cartoons, I suddenly found enjoyment in the way they dispatched former friends left and right, how they'd work their way out of danger, and try to salvage their relationship. My brain knew better, and eventually turned off to avoid further agony, but I was able to stay with it, through the end, and actually feel satisfied with the film, ridiculous as it may be. I would have liked a movie that has constant gunfire and a few explosions to have at least a few responding cop cars, or a few characters who weren't secretly assassins, just to throw off the monotony, but in the end, no amount of stupidity, bad, overly convenient writing, or horrible character interaction could stop me from grinning. 'Killers' is readily put to shame by films like 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith,' that have a level of unpredictability to them (as well as solid acting and writing), but if Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl's utter unlikability couldn't prevent me from having some fun with this flick, I doubt that the majority of people will be too horribly dissatisfied with the film.

The Disc: Vital Stats

'Killers' arrives on Blu-ray on a Region A locked BD50 disc, housed in a standard eco case, with a nice glossy slipcover replicating the cover art. There are a number of pre-menu trailers (for 'Why Did I Get Married Too?,' 'Kick-Ass,' an Epix channel spot, and then yet another trailer, for 'The Expendables'), that are not skippable through the top menu button.