Miss March

I've seen some awful movies in my lifetime. As a movie critic you're bound to see quite a few stinkers. Some movies are built up so much, and have tons of hype, but fall completely flat, leaving the viewer with a bad taste in his mouth. Other movies know that they're bad and play on that fact. Then there's another category, films so atrociously terrible that they should only be used for fire kindling or for torturing terror suspects.

Man, is 'Miss March' bad! Sure I've had to review 'The Jonas Brothers 3D Concert' and 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,' but 'Miss March' brings a whole new level of AWFUL to the screen. I've never walked out of a film, but if I didn't have to review this I would've turned it off. Everything from the plot, to the acting, to the writing is just downright terrible.

Eugene (Zach Cregger) is a chaste high school student who does abstinence seminars with his equally chaste girlfriend (Raquel Alessi). Eugene's best friend Tucker (Trevor Moore) on the other hand is a horn dog. The entire film is filled with Tucker talking about how many women he's been with, but with how annoying he is this is very hard to believe. He's a moron. Moore deserves a Razzie award for Overacting. It seems like his eyes are going to pop right out of his head in every scene as he strains to be funny.

Oh sorry, I was discussing the plot. Anyway, Eugene falls down some stairs at a prom party and falls into a coma, fade to black (the few seconds of total black screen was my favorite moment of the film). Four years later Eugene is woken up by Tucker. He finds out that his once pure girlfriend has now become a Playboy Playmate. How can this be? Well, now we know what needs to be done. Our fearless heroes need to set out on a 'Road Trip' type adventure to the Playboy Mansion and win the girl back.

Tucker has other reasons for wanting to leave. He's stabbed his girlfriend in the face with a fork repeatedly and now she and her blood-thirsty fireman brother are looking to kill him. Why, you may ask did Tucker stab his girlfriend over and over with a fork? Well, I will leave that for you to find out, because if I actually type out why he did it, then the memories will come flooding back and I'm not sure I can take it.

The two traverse the country, getting into unfunny shenanigans with inane characters, until they end up at the Playboy Mansion where the story wraps up and you can shut down your BD player. Seriously, this film is just terrible. It's unfunny dreck that is trying way too hard to get laughs. Ever since watching it I've had recurring flashbacks of 'Freddy Got Fingered.' Yeah, it's that bad.

It's seems as though the people who were assigned to put this BD together knew how bad the film was and didn't take any time to make it look good. Not like it matters.

The AVC-encoded 1080p transfer slightly less than mediocre. Fine detail is lost, and definition is flat. At its worst the transfer takes on an amateur home video feel, at its best 'Miss March' looks like a sub-par HD television broadcast. Most of the time the image appears soft and slightly unfocused. While there were no dirt marks or blips on the transfer, edge enhancement is visible a few times. The blacks appear a tad too bright, and overall the presentation lacks any depth whatsoever. It's just so flat and plain that there's nothing here that will make you feel you're actually watching a Blu-ray. While the BD is most likely an upgrade from the DVD (No I didn't compare them, I will admit to that right now. Could you imagine going out in search of the standard-def version so you could watch this again? Neither could I) it's as mediocre as a new BD release can get.

Not much to say about this one. No nothing is wrong with your rear speakers, it's just that the 'Miss March' DTS-HD MA 5.1 soundtrack hardly uses them at all. The only time the audio track here ever picks up is when a hip-hop song suddenly appears. Dialogue is presented fine, but at times is somewhat muffled. Other than that this soundtrack is just as bland as the PQ.

'Miss March' features the theatrical version of the film and the unrated version, which is a few minutes longer. The extra footage is interwoven throughout the film, undoubtedly adding a tiny bit more nudity or something. But, who cares.

• Viral Videos (SD, 13:54) - This includes a bunch of videos made to publicize the film. I don't know where they were shown, because I never saw any of them. "Sound Design" is a video where the two stars of the film show how they made the film's sound effects. It's a juvenile and as unfunny as the film is. All the other videos are faux auditions, "Timmy's Audition," "Darren's Audition," "Sam's Audition," and "Lesbian's Audition."
  
• Down and Dirty (SD, 2:08) - A short look at the obscene rap star played by Craig Robinson from 'The Office.' This is available in edited or explicit versions.
  

Life is too short! Don't waste your time watching this film, ever. With so many other good comedies out there, there's no reason for you to be buying this, renting this, or even glancing at it in the store. I mean it's a pretty bad sign when the most interesting things on the disc are trailers for 'Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li' and 'The Marine.'