America 3000

In the year 3000, or somewhere thereabouts, some time after a devastating nuclear war, the world has been rebuilt in the same fashion that every other post-apocalyptic movie from the 80s is, replete with silly costumes and women with big hair. This time, though, women (called "Fraus") have inherited the desolated landscape, and they rule with an iron fist. Men (called "Plugots") are enslaved and treated as mere sexual objects. As the movie begins, two Plugots, Krovis (Chuck Wagner) and Gruss (William Wallace, who also narrates), escape during a riot and flee to a city that had been irradiated during the great war, but appears to be safe now. Due to religious beliefs, the Fraus do not pursue them.

As luck would have it, the Plugots find something that will change everything: A simple children's book, learning the ABCs, that teaches the men how to read. A for apple, H for horse, M for man, and so on and so forth. After years of this, some of the men now have the ability to read, which comes in handy when they discover an old bunker reserved for what used to be the President of the United States, and they can operate the arsenal of weaponry included inside. Armed with ray guns and explosives, the Plugots now have the technological advantage against the Fraus, the Fraus having held the advantage for countless eras through various dangerous weapons. The leader of the Fraus, Vena (Laurene Landon), is not a cruel woman, which puts her leadership in question. She makes decisions based on logic, not on long-held superstitions, and should anyone outside of her closest fold find out, they would overthrow her immediately.

America 3000 is a bizarre, mostly bad flick that is never quite sure whether it's a straightforward post-apocalyptic action movie or a satire of those movies. What, for example, am I supposed to do with a giant beast of a man, a huge piece of costuming and make-up, who goes by the name of Aargh the Awful, and doesn't factor into the plot at all, other than to show up and make funny noises and fart? There are many moments of "comedy" in the film that are mostly fine. They have a generic 80s quality to them that's charming. When the film switches gears to more serious territory, that's where it stumbles. Frankly, I could have used more Aargh and less pontification about gender politics--something the film never tackles in any meaningful way. Instead of setting up a parable about men being mistreated the way women have been throughout human history, the main thesis seems to be, "Women in power would be bad." And, of course, the whole thing is settled with good old-fashioned sex. That's what those crazy dames needed all along.

Still, despite my intellectual best, I can't help but like America 3000. Perhaps it's because it somehow avoids the worst thing a stupid movie like this can be, which is to be boring. America 3000, to its credit, is never boring. It's weird as hell, it's dumb, and it's annoying the way the characters use ridiculous slang--the film is neggy hot plastic, not cold woggos. Somehow, through it all, I couldn't look away. It's hypnotically watchable in that way that only Cannon Films can be, which was written/directed by veteran of the studio David (Over the Top) Engelbach. It helps, too, that the cast appears to know that what they're in is every bit as bad as it sounds, because they all have fun with it, with Laurene Landon running, riding on horseback, and taking amazing stunt falls.

Movies like America 3000 aren't meant to be graded on the same level as, say, Citizen Kane. This is a movie practically made to be enjoyed after a dozen beers and just as many bong rips. Even then, it's not the Citizen Kane of movies to be enjoyed under multiple layers of intoxication, but it ain't bad. Well, it is bad, but that's a feature, not a bug.

Vital Disc Stats: The Blu-ray
America 3000 is neggy hot plastic, not cold woggos, on its Blu-ray release from Kino Lorber Studio Classics, in a single-disc release housed in a standard case with a removable slipcover. Both the slip and the case contain identical artwork, classic artwork from its original release in 1986, featuring Aargh holding a boombox.

America 3000 is presented in 1080p high-definition, from a brand-new HD master, sourced from a 2K scan of the 35mm interpositive. It was shot by David Gurfinkel, who, in addition to a number of other Cannon Films productions, also served as the cinematographer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. His track record as a cinematographer may not be remembered for the best films, but his work on them is, indeed, top-tier professionalism. It's not a spectacular array of complex camera setups, or ingenious lighting with moody, gothic shadows looming about the frame, but it is sharply detailed and lensed with a keen eye toward cartoonish coloring. While the video presentation is surprisingly sleek for a film of this type, it does have a slight layer of organic film grain.

Along for the ride is a solid DTS-HD MA 2.0 stereo mix. It doesn't pack anywhere near a punch as it should, particularly in moments with loud explosions that come across as muffled little pops, but this appears to be an issue with the source, not with the transfer. My few gripes aside--that this, being such a dumb, fun flick, the sound design should match--it is crystal clear in overall quality, with a mix that levels dialogue (really dumb dialogue) above all else. No cold woggos here, baby.

Supplemental features for America 3000 are scant, relegated to just a pair of features (a commentary and an interview). However, they are both brand-new and recorded specifically for this release.

• Audio Commentary - Writer/director David Engelbach, moderated by filmmaker Douglas Hosdale
• Interview (HD 14:08) - Actress Laurene Landon
• Trailers

Arguing whether or not a movie like America 3000 is "good" or "bad" is probably more theoretical than it's worth. What is "good"? What is "bad"? Is there such a thing as benchmark objective metrics that can be used to judge a movie's quality? Is this all boring semantics? Is this getting too abstract for a movie that has a monkey-man hybrid (maybe?) named Aargh the Awful? It has some amusing moments. And it seems tailor-made for a drug-induced stupor. As far as technical craft goes, America 3000 is surprisingly refined. For lovers of trash cinema, Kino Lorber has put out a damn decent release, with great A/V stats. America 3000 is Recommended for those who know what they're getting into.