Au Pair Girls

The first seven minutes of the cheesy softcore Euro-trash film 'Au Pair Girls' is taken up by the movie's excruciating theme song.

[Cue terrible 1970s sitcom music]

They come from here; They come from there

No matter where they may come from they're always welcome everywhere

Au pair!

For the next seven minutes, or so, you're treated to planes taking off and landing as this nauseatingly awful song plays incessantly. There's no sound except for the song, going on and on and on. There's plenty of nudity later on, but you'll soon find yourself wondering if it's worth sitting through this agonizing opening. This is what the fast-forward button was made for.

It's just too bad that once you skip ahead to when that dreadful song finally ends the movie doesn't get much better. 'Au Pair Girls' is about a bunch of European women, with varying degrees of exhibitionist instincts, traveling to England to become au pairs for English families. Anita is a Swedish girl who is obsessed with color television and wearing see-thru shirts without a bra. Randi is another au pair who gets picked up by the horny son of a rich CEO and gets sexually harassed the entire movie; harassment she confronts with giggling. Nan Lee is an Asian girl who is sent to a wealthy family in the country where she falls in love with a moron who looks 25 and acts like he's 12. The last au pair is Christa, who winds up being a groupie for much of the night.

The movie isn't raunchy, dirty, or fun. It's that type of slapstick nonsense where people pull extreme expressions like they're in some kind of corny commercial.

Even people who are fans of entertaining smut will most likely find nothing of consequence here. The sexy scenes are relatively unsexy as the girls seem totally unaware what they're doing. There isn't a sense of sensuality or eroticism. The girls seem completely oblivious to what is happening around them. "Oh, my clothes have fallen off. What should I do? Giggle? Okay!"

There's nothing remotely sexy about this movie. Even if you make it through the movie's excruciating theme song and its unbearable first seven minutes then you're still in for a letdown. I can't fathom why anyone would want to own this movie. Even the gobs of shameless nudity can't pull this turd out of the gutter.

The Blu-ray: Vital Disc Stats

'Au Pair Girls' is released by Kino Lorber. It comes in a standard keepcase and is pressed onto a 25GB Blu-ray Disc. It's coded for Region A use.

Talk about unwatchable! Is this HD? I couldn't really tell. The opening is dreadfully full of every bit of dirt and grime you could slather on a print. It's from the 70s, so I wasn't expecting a perfectly clear picture, but I also wasn't expecting to watch something that looked like it was recorded from an old VHS copy of the movie.

This is a sick looking presentation all the way around. Dirt and noise deaden any details there might have been. Softness plagues long shots, mid-rang shots, and close-ups. There's little in the way of facial details, for example eyebrows and hair look like blobs of color. Textures don't fare well either. Suit jackets, silk dresses it doesn't matter what people are wearing it all appears to have the same soft look to it. This is just a dreadful looking Blu-ray from start to finish.

You thought the video was bad, wait until you get a load of the DTS Mono track included on this release. It sounds like you're listening to a slightly out of tune radio the entire time you're watching the movie. The mix constantly hisses and screeches. Voices are tinny. The mix can hardly handle any sounds above normal pitch. Any high giggling, of which there is a lot, causes the soundtrack to fuzz and fizzle constantly. At least with a radio you'd be able to finely tune it to get a better signal, here you're stuck with this brash fuzzy monstrosity for the entirety of the movie. It's awful and intolerable.

There are no special features provided.

Look, the Internet is full of naked pictures of women, for free. There's no reason you should be wasting your hard-earned dough on this movie only to wind up with an abysmal movie and an atrocious Blu-ray to boot. Just avoid it, if you don't, that song will stay in your head forever.